Anonymous said: How is your boyfriend different from your ex?
My ex was extremely sheltered and the relationship lacked a vast amount of trust. Not being able to be what/who I wanted because he was so close minded to things and having that constant fear that he would hurt me again ended up changing me and I never liked that. I couldn’t live with the person I had become.
TK is the complete opposite. From the beginning, even when we only saw each other purely as friends, has always supported trying new ideas and having these adventures that were unknown to us. I’ve gotten to experience so much without feeling the need to reign myself in. And trust is and always will be a major factor in this relationship, no matter how many times we may sometimes argue. I don’t feel the need to worry about what he may be doing because all of these feelings and our intentions with one another are genuine. I’m able to learn how to find myself again without having to stress over what he may be doing. We’re having fun in each other’s lives. It’s what makes me happiest. Being able to be me with the one person who accepts all of that. I don’t have to hide anymore.
Anonymous said: There was a time where I loved you, but we were afraid.
I don’t know who you are but I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped and left me alone now. Thank you.
Anonymous said: My heart bled for you once, and then I bled out.
I’m speechless, so all I can say is I’m sorry for anything I may have done and I wish you happiness.
Wondering if there’s ever going to be a week where I’m not pushed to crying because of how frustrated I am.
"I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched."-Edgar Allan Poe (via perfect)
"I fell for you the way a train
-Tina Tran, This is for you (via insanity-and-vanity)
the way a wave crashes into the shore.
It looks like fear
and it feels like recklessness.
So maybe we’ll destroy each other,
ruin and break each other
what a way to go."
And it’s not like I’ve ever tried to fully assess what’s going wrong because believe me, I have. But I never really find a solution. I look at problems, try my best at it, and if it isn’t fixed I’ll just say, “Fuck it. Save it for another day,” You would think that after all my failed attempts at saving problem solving for another day that I would freak out and dive right into working at things, but I’m a lazy person. I let shit pile up and get out of control. And I just become someone I hate. So here, I’m finally taking the chance to do this.
Four things I’ve realized over the span of the last couple of months:
1. I’ve slacked greatly in terms of blogging out my feelings.
I know, right. Who wants to hear my rants over my bullshit. But its always helped me figure out what exactly I want. Speaking out loud has never been my strong point. It won’t ever be unfortunately. So I write things out. I kept a private blog so I could go at it uncensored with extreme anger and detailed murder possibilities if needed- but then I realized I wanted people to know how I felt, so I started writing here. But then that just made people upset, so I decided I would just keep it to myself. It drives me crazy though. Keeping all these thoughts to myself. It’s gotten to the point to where when I bite my lip and I know I’m sad- I’m just blank. I have no determination anymore.
2. I never really stopped worrying over what people think.
I’m a people pleaser. Can’t really help it. I want everyone happy. I want to make everyone feel good. I like going out of my way. And I know that always fucks me, but I can’t help it. Hence the halt on blogging. People get upset with what I write? I stop. Fucks me even more. I forget what I really want that will make me happy and keep me as sane as possible.
3. I really need to stop seeing all men as an enemy.
I know they’re not all bad. It’s just that 98% are complete idiotic fucking assholes that I’ve been unfortunate enough to meet. So I’m sorry if I snap at you and get defensive. Attack mode is second nature. I can’t quit it easily. I’ve just been through a lot at all the wrong times. Its nothing personal against any of you, really. Unless you actually are an asshole. Then kindly eat a fucking dick.
4. I stopped loving myself again.
As lame as it seems, that saying about how you must love yourself first before you can fully love another person does make sense. I always brushed it off because I didn’t think it was really necessary for me to like myself. There were always things I would hate. Things I would want to fix about me. Things I wanted to get rid of. But you never thought I needed to do any of those things. I had such an intense desire to fix all these things that you said were perfect- I ended up not appreciating just how much you loved me. For a good period of time, I did love myself. I felt confident and happy. And I loved the compliments you gave because I genuinely believed it to be true. But ever since I started disliking things about myself, I started to deny the same things you would tell me from before. I would call you a liar. I would pull at my stomach and tug at the hair I wished was longer. And you would call me beautiful and hold my face in your hands when I would cry at how much I hated myself- but I wouldn’t take it. I stopped letting you in. Realizing it now, I believe this is why I’ve been so unhappy. I need to stop self sabotaging the things that make me feel beautiful. You were always on my side.
…while writing this entry, I was able to figure out how things are the way they are now. I just wanted to finally fix what was going on in my head by doing the one thing I do well: writing with excessive word vomit (and a little crying). And now I know. So that’s all. I know what’s wrong. Everything is clearer.
"Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t sad but we really are."-Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (via -zero)
I hate when I let someone in on a genuinely personal and sensitive piece of my life that I never let anyone in on and they act understanding towards it in the moment- but acts like a total fucking dick later when it comes up again.
So we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts
Until We Bleed || Kleerup feat. Lykke Li
I think the biggest turn on is knowing you turned someone else on.